Cam being awesome

Big boys eat in highchairs

                                                Do I have something on my face?

                                                  How sexy is this?

                                                          Hi Dad!!!

                                                  Showing some leg

                                             That Elmo is soo funny!

                                           

Such a happy boy

                                            Wittle hands

Chubby toesies

                                                          Strong like bull.

                                                WINNING!!!!

                                                Fall go boom

Half-Baked

If you haven't been able to truly grasp what the mother of a child born prematurely has been through Alexa Stevenson's book Half-Baked pretty much describes what I was feeling every step of the way eventhough her experience was very different. She went through in-vitro and challenges getting pregnant which was different from us, but her accounts of being on the "mom-unit" and her bluntly honest emotions through this experience make me live it all over again. She is eloquent and vulgar all wrapped up into one. She wrote the book before I could. I had to stop reading for a while because it was too hard for me, but in order to move on I need to face the demons I ignored back then... so I have started reading again with all of the time I spend by Brody's bed while he's sleeping. It's cathartic to read through it, deal with the emotions and pull myself back together.

Ok... maybe a little bit about Cameron too

I have the absolute cutest pictures of Cameron on my camera but can't upload them due to technical difficulties. In the meantime... look at this fatty watching Baby Einstein!

                                                       Carrots... everywhere!

My first time in a high chair!

It's all about Brody

Pics a few days before Brody's infection got bad. Starting to get chunky... resembling Cameron...looking the best he ever has.

                                           Sucking my hands so hard my eyes crossed!

                                              Hieeeeee

                                         What's going on over there???

                                I'm a hunk a hunk a burnin love

                                         Blue steel

                                        Tickle-me Elmo freaks me out Mommy!!!

                                         Whoa... what are these things??

                                          Toys? Worms?

                                          Oh... they're my hands!!!

                                 Brody + Bolt= Love

                                          My nurse made me a barka-lounger chair to watch Kung Fu Panda in

                                  Love all of the nearby patients families talking in the hallway about that baby up all night watching movies... apple doesn't fall too far from the paternal tree

                                      Content and sleeping. Love seeing him relaxed

                                                                 Handsome pants

                                                 I got holes where there not supposed to be and I still look this good!

                                              I'm the roughest, toughest, cutest ever baby on this earth

I haven't blogged in a while because we have had our hands full. Two days ago we were called in to speak with his doctor's as Brody had some drastic changes. His lungs were almost completely collapsed and layered with patchiness from his virus with fluid on top from pneumonia. He has a serious lung/trach infection that would be difficult for anyone to fight let alone a baby in his condition. At that point we were told that the next 12 hours were critical and would give us an idea as to which direction this course of his care would go. He was sedated indefinately and put on very high ventillator settings so that he could rest and let the vent do the work for him. We were told that if things took a turn for the worst that they had nitric oxide and an oscillator nearby to give him even more support. Fortunately he got through the first night without needing it and so far has been able to maintain his sats on the vent alone. We don't know how things will go from here but we are just taking it day by day. After 8 months of living this nightmare and analyzing it every which way, blogging my feelings and crying them out in hysteria, numbing them with anti-anxieties, finding a happy balance with how well Cam is doing... then feeling guilty for how well he is doing while Brody gets worse, laughing about inappropriate things because there is just no other response at this point, having actual nightmares and sleepless nights, felt like my heart was literaly ripped out of my chest...I am finally speechless. We have done everything on this earth and fought so hard for our kids and now we just have to leave it to Brody to fight this infection and get the hell out of the hospital eventually. I feel tortured when I have to leave him but also that I'm depriving Cameron of the fun baby stuff when I'm sitting by Brody's bedside as he sleeps through his sedation. I don't really know where my place is and my balance is way off. I live for these boys alone and Brett and I would give our own health, any amount of money, home, limbs anything for them to be alright.

Prayers, positive energy, love, support... whoever, whatever you believe in... send it Brody and Cameron's way please.

All of our love for all of your support through this time... keep it coming!

Pics

Cam's first internet nude shots

                                      Our daring trip outside of the house...baby's first caffeine fix

                                                                 What's up Big Bird?!?!
                              Cam found Sesame Street at one of his many doctor's appointments

                                                      I may be sick but I'm still stylin!

                                       Brody's first bottle after his trach. So proud of him

                                   Putting on some L-Bs and looking more like Cam (and Daddy)

                        We bribe Cam with Mardi Gras beads in exchange for some hand-eye                                 coordination (We work with lights and metallic objects that are easier for him to develop vision)

                                                                     Make out sesh pre-surg

And we keep on keeping on

Brody's surgery went well-pretty routine. It was the 'after' part that has continued to challenge us. When Brody was finally able to start the weaning process from the ventillator a few days after surgery he was making great progress... then...stop. We found out that he had a pretty bad infection that would hinder the initial expectations of him being on room air after his trach. We are finally seeing the beginnings of the Brody we know. He was able to start eating by mouth (just 1 feeding a day) 2 days ago and is doing great with it but we have to be extra guarded as feedings can be dangerous to a baby like him if not managed properly. He also tried his voice valve today. Its something we have to work up to as it redirects the air and can be uncomfortable but eventually it will allow him to coo, cry and make whatever sounds he can past his paralyzed vocal chord. We will have nursing 24 hours a day for a while and LOTS of equipment at home but it is all temporary and we need to be patient. He will be home some time next week.

Cam is kicking baby butt at home. He is over 12 pounds now. He sees his vision therapist once a week and we feel like we are already seeing more purposeful gazing and his exploration of the world around him is increasing every day. He is SUCH a HAPPY boy! I am usually awoken by the sound of his chatter in the mornings over my video monitor and wake to find him flipped on his belly from the 'back is best' position he starts out in. He is doing great with holding up his head and bearing weight on those fat legs of his. He will definately walk before he crawls. As I type I am listening to the sweet sound of his coos to the christmas lights we have dangling over his pack n play as part of his therapy. He's quite the chatterbox. Tonight Daddy took him out back to play some airplane without accounting for the last time he ate and learned immediately that it was not long enough before shaking up the kid. Puke. Oh and he loves Beyonce "Single Ladies" or as we sing it "All the single babies!"

All in all, life surely isn't easy but we count our blessings every day and love our two very special miracles every minute.