It's been over 2 years since my traumatic preterm birth and even more traumatic aftermath and it just doesn't get any easier. Today would have been the boys due date-when they should have arrived. Today should have been their birthday. I thought as the years went on and they grew older and bigger that feeling of loss would go away but I still have a hole in my heart for the beginnings they deserved but didn't get to experience. I feel that same sense of loss for the beautiful, celebratory experience of being pregnant and the overwhelming joy that comes with delivering a happy, healthy child. I feel sorry for my kids that they have to hibernate all winter and that they can't go to birthday parties or day care. My heart aches for Brody as I watch him grow old enough to start to notice there is something different about him... I can see that he doesn't understand why he can't talk when he tries so hard?!
I am very grateful for their accomplishments and thankful for their overall health but these feelings of being "different" will always be there. I could not love more or feel more pride in my awesome little dudes, they are my best buds, but with such deep love also comes the agony of watching my children encounter huge challenges in life at such an early age. I wish their lives were easier. I wish they were healthier. I wish them less discomfort. I wish for their obstacles to become fewer as time passes.
I hope that as the years go on January 11 no longer represents a loss deep in my soul but its jusy another day on the calendar. For now, I'll have a rough night of unsettled emotions and then tomorrow I'll wake up and be Mom again.
No comments:
Post a Comment