So I just had a really long, maybe too honest and pretty heartfelt entry written and then my stupid phone cleared the screen. So... As I was in the middle of explaining my overwhelming, indescribable physical and emotional exhaustion... I'm going to keep this one short because I just don't have it in me to go to that place in my heart again.
Here's the cliffs notes- Brody going back in to OR Wednesday. Things still look good but there is something they want To keep a close eye on.
Kids are adorable and beautiful and funny and smart but also give us a run for our money-figuratively and literally! It's been a long 3 years of this hospital/therapy/people in our home bullshit and were ready to break... Or we already broke... Or we're picking the pieces up... Or trying to keep them together.... Basically, Brett and I have done so much suppressing of some pretty traumatic, almost losing your children more times than we can count kind of shit that I think it has come back to bite us in the ass. All of that tucking away of emotions to save our strength for our kids and fighting every minute for them taken a toll now that it all seems to be slowing down. Example: tonight when putting Cameron to bed/ laying with him I had a flashback of when I was concentrating on holding the boys in and trying so hard not to cry because it would bring contractions on... I just laid with him in front of me and cried imagining when I felt them moving and kicking to get out. These kinds of thoughts just pop up again out of the clear blue. PTSD at its finest I guess...
Everyone always tells us how amazing we are and how they don't know how we do it.... Well we have to do it. It's our children- there's no choice when it comes to our children. We have completely sacrificed the people we were, the lifestyle we lived, my career which was a huge part of my identity and self esteem, everything. I have given it all and wouldn't do it any differently but I know I'm not the same person and probably never will be again. I wish I could just slip those rose colored glasses back on but my world is forever changed and I hope that there is a day that we are the Brett and Melissa that you all knew before this but I don't see those people when I look at us anymore. Ok... Over honesty done for now because I've gotten a little too deep and the tears are flowing and that's about all I can face for tonight.
So I'll leave it at this. Our jobs as parents of children with these types challenges is a very different and anxiety ridden struggle than most. As I write this Brett is in the basement throwing up from yet another migraine. I look in the mirror and see someone else... I somehow have always pulled it together for functions but today I see a pale, older, worn girl that I dont recognize. This experience has aged us and changed us to the core. When you're fighting so hard for so long I guess that fight eventually becomes an attitude and a way of life and not in a good way any more.
I hope to find those energetic, fun cute, happy people I see in the few pictures I've had time to put up in the house we barely moved in to 3 years ago. One of these days they'll come out of hiding.
So today's title: I saw a cheesy wooden sign at Joann Fabric and I liked it because it's easy, unpretentious, and seems to solve my over analytical mind racing. So my new mantra "Live Simply, Remain Grateful"
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