This was written on September 20th and 24th. I never sent this out to everyone as I didn't know just how personal to get with my communications, but to truly understand what we have been through, I think it's important to know what we were experiencing for the month that we were on hospital bedrest. Brett saw things a husband should never have to see their wife go through...while I endured plenty that a new mommy should never have to either. I delivered shortly after the last installment of this email.
We are afraid to be too confident when we are having a good day as we know how quickly things can change but celebrating milestones in this unpredictable process is essential for our mental states. Since my last entry is was still a pretty rough few days but we have come a long way! We are now at 24 weeks and 3 days...every day at this point is a huge accomplishment as the babies lungs are in the essential stages of development. We are so incredibly lucky to still be here. When my doctors come in for their daily rounds I can see the utter amazement at how long I have been able to fight and hold on for these kids.
A few days ago I was bleeding pretty severely again and was again at high risk of something happening- iron levels dropping, blood pressure bottoming out, etc. When that cleared up then my temp went up to 99.6-they would have had to deliver me at 100 degrees due to possible infection. Yesterday I couldn't even pick my head up I was so weak and tired and drained. Today however seems to have an optimistic start.
Sent from my iPad
Sent from my iPad
From: Melissa Collins <meltannen@yahoo.com>
Date: September 20, 2010 8:57:31 PM EDT
To: "bcollins@collinshirsch.com" <bcollins@collinshirsch.com>
Subject: Hospital
Up early today (Brett and my mom are still sleeping-they have been here 24 hrs a day since the shit hit the fan Tues)waiting for my second round of steroid injections, a day we've been looking forward to since all of this started a very slow moving 3 weeks ago. They make me pretty sick along with the laundry list of other meds I'm on a million times a day but no complaints here...the end result will be well worth all of the pain, sickness, sacrifice and complete mental anguish this has all brought on. As you know...it's not like we have ever sailed thru life on the easy road and have been thru our fair share of pretty difficult tragedies but nothing has even closely compared to this. I literally saw the light Tues when I went into full active labor-contractions too often to count, bleeding very close to hemmorahging, etc. They brought me from the mom unit where I had made home and was fairly comfortable down to L&D and were setting up to take the babies. I prayed and prayed and prayed but everyone was pretty sure this was the end. I don't remember how or when things changed but they did and we came out of it to fight another day, or at least hour by hour. NO ONE thought I would be here 18 hrs away from a week later and viability. It's amazing that I have had these little guys in me for 6 months now yet their chance of survival is only 40-50% still...and survival tends to be a relative term as complications and quality of life are not factored in...oh and all of the statistics for anything pregnancy related is based on singletons...not much data exists for multiples. In a medical world of a changing technology that I personally see everyday, i am baffled to learn about how uncertain of a specialty OBGYN is. Other than the monitors that show them how regulated or how bad it's getting...when you do get to the danger zone soooo little can be done, or even done in preparation for an alternative event. So we are a few looong torturous hours from our first landmark that we have been looking forward to for what seems like an eternity now and now when I wish I could breathe a little yet I am constantly being reminded of how unsafe the babies still are. I'm going to need serious extensive psychiatric intervention after all of this but like I said, anyone who would complain about going thru all of this just doesn't want these babies bad enough.
A little comic relief...Brett and my mom are on opposite sides of me on cots taking turns snoring. They are the strongest people I know. My mom cleans my bed pan every 20 minutes, scrubs me down everyday in bed and feeds me all of my meals since I can't even lift my bed for meals. Brett is more of a dad and a husband than I ever could have dreamed up for him. He gives me pep talks when I just can't stop crying and loves me beyond unconditionally (which you learn when there's no one else around to clean your bed pan). I know everyone wants to visit and help but right now this is a very personal time and relaxation/stress plays a huge role in it...we keep the lights low in the room all day and I listen to soft music and when Baby
A starts acting up I put on the meditation tunes and he usually chills out.
A is down real low in breech position with his butt in my partially opened cervix (cervical dilation usually does not happen until a little before normal delivery near 35-37 weeks for twins-mine started at 23 weeks) Sorry to be graphic but when he kicks I feel like his foot is going to push right thru the bottom side-a little Yanni on Pandora seems to calm him down enough to make me more comfortable. Baby B is above my belly button laying transverse. His kicks are getting stronger each day with a good blow to the ribs every so often. They are still so small that they can flip into more desirable positions at any point.
On a good note the babies are growing perfectly, even a little ahead of the curve at 1.4 and1.5lbs with perfect heart rates. They are positioned so that it looks like B is kissing A's butt-something I hope to be able to remind them of when they are teenagers. We have a great shot of a yawn, one of them giving us a little gangsta sign with his hand and a great new shot of their faces where they look like babies and not little skeletors. You can already tell that they look nothing alike.
The dog and cat are incredibly confused but we're lucky that Christine and Bretts parents have been taking good care of our furry kids. Our families bought me an iPad which has kept me sane. Emails are welcome but please understand that I have good minutes and some really bad ones...I will rarely answer them but love hearing all of your messages passed on.
We've had some amazing high highs-learning that there are 2 little people growing inside of my tiny belly and experiencing all of the joys that come along with the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. The lows are clear but we have proven thus far that even when others have been close to giving up our strength has produced absolute miracles that are beyond medical explanation-coming out of preterm labor. We're going to continue to defy the odds and shock a lot of people.
Hoping you are all doing fantastic on the outside and my preggie friends are feeling great. Miss you and love you all so much but hope to not see you outside of this hospital until after Thanksgiving. We are very lucky to have you all to fight alongside of us. Please keep the prayers and love coming.
Love,
Melissa
Sent from my iPad
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